It’s a crazy world…

Posted: May 29, 2013 in A Step in the Journey
Tags: , , , ,

Sorry I haven’t been on lately, my dear readers.  First, I was locked out of J2GF and then when I finally dug my way back in, I was swamped with a personal project.  The bestie and I have talked forever about this project, but we have finally decided to get serious about it.  When I am given the go ahead to talk about it, I will let you all in on our little secret.  But more centered on this blog, ME! 🙂  More deets about my life lately after the jump in 3…2…1…

 

So it seems that my health is not only not getting better, but is in fact getting worse.  Here I was, thinking I was maintaining and surviving… And now it seems that the less you know, the more you suffer.  I am still in the process of figuring out what is wrong with me, and I have no doubt that that list won’t be short. 😉  Currently the doctor is checking me for lupus and chronic myelogenous leukemia.  All I know is that the headaches are coming back stronger than ever, I’m flip-flopping emotionally, and I had a seizure bad enough last Friday night that I don’t remember anything from 2 hours before until the next morning.  I am strong enough to stand through this, but I’m not going to lie, I’m scared shitless.  I know that this type of cancer has a high survival rate, I know that I have beat the odds several times in my life when it has come to my health, but I also know that I am tired.  I will fight, but I am so tired all the time, I am afraid that I may not be able to fight for very long.

On the bright side, I am happier than I have been in a long time.  It’s hard to explain.  I have my moments where I am angry.  Hell, the other day I wanted to be angry.  I don’t really understand why, I just wanted to be mad, to be able to throw things and yell and scream and be a child.  I made it through, but I’m not sure how my besties did.  Love those two so much!  Still, I am able to laugh and smile without faking it.  I don’t know where the change came about, or even why, but I am starting to remember what it’s like to be a normal person.

I really think having the right people around you helps, that’s a no brainer, but letting those people know what is going on with you is important, also.  I think that was the part I wasn’t really paying attention to.  I have awesome, wonderful, loving, caring, beautiful people around me… But just having them there isn’t going to do anything if I don’t let them know how I’m feeling.  Honestly, anyone can tell how I’m feeling by my attitude, I don’t even try to hide it.  But being able to explain what is going on with me, that I need help, I have never been very good at that.  I don’t want to be the one who complains, or relies on someone to do everything for her, or can’t be a productive part of a home, and that fear has helped to isolate me from the very people I want and need to be close to.

Walking into what is looking more and more like a perpetual shit storm of my health, I need these people by my side, holding my hand, wiping the tears away, and keeping me sane.  I hope they know how much they mean to me, how much I love them, how much I need them, and how much they have bettered my life.  Anyone can say whatever they want, these people are the steel in my spine, they keep me strong and I know that I wouldn’t be here today without them.

*sigh* But enough of the sappy Kayla hour…  How have you been, my lovelies?  I have missed your emails, texts, and other words of comfort.  I can’t wait to hear my phone ding with all of your daily news, you too keep me here on earth, and I love every one of you for that.  So, until tomorrow…  Laugh with me. 😀

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