A winding road

Posted: May 17, 2013 in A Step in the Journey
Tags: , , , , ,

August-17-2011-23-24-08-funnyfishballooncomic

I was brooding on my way to work this morning.  Today was different, though.  I wasn’t depressed, or sad, or happy.  I don’t actually have a word for what I was feeling this morning.  Technically I was happy, in a good mood.  I started thinking about what I would like to see happen in the next few months.  I know what I want to happen, I even know how to go about getting what I think I want.  What I don’t know, is how it will actually pan out.  I hate that feeling, I like to know what is going to happen.  This emotional dissection has become the norm for me.  I have a 30 minute drive twice a day, Monday through Friday, so I tend to use this time to obsess over some trivial matter or the day at large.  I know it doesn’t help, but sometimes I can’t shut my mind down to just relax.  I like to think of this time as my private “freak out sessions.”  That aside, there are days where I’m not stressing, days where I just jam out to the music.  My days tend to come in a Noah’s Ark 2 by 2 pattern…  I have a few days where I think it would be so easy to just drive off the bridge halfway from my home to work, and then those days are followed by a few where I just smile and am happy.

Of course, saying all this means I have a “plan” and if I went to a therapist, I would be immediately held on a 96 hour psychiatric hold (standard for those kinds of verbalizing thoughts here in Missouri), but that doesn’t mean that I’m going to actually do it.  I am a list maker, a proverbial planner.  I must have an idea of what I would do in any given situation.  Unfortunately with my chemical imbalance, that can sometimes mean thinking about suicide.  Once again, I am not in a mental place that I am going to do that, but it does help me get a perspective to think about it.  Some days I want to take a nap and just never get up.  Imagining what would happen if I disappeared, what I would leave behind, whether it would be better or worse, gives me a chance to think about if the current situation is one I can deal with or one that I need to walk away from.

This is why I am in favor of the very unpopular theory that thinking about one’s own demise (yes, including suicide), can be cathartic.  I feel that acknowledging my own weaknesses, especially my depression, gives me power over them.  That may be a personal delusion, but we all have them.  I’m curious though, how do all of you deal with those overwhelming days?  I’m always open to other trains of thought. 🙂

Until next time, here’s to finding bright side of the rainbow…  I wanna see the colors today.  I think there’s been enough rain for it already.

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Comments
  1. The Escapist says:

    Thank you for this place. I feel like I’m crazy some days, but when I come here, I know that I’m not alone. You help me feel like it’s ok to be down sometimes, to not know why I feel like this. Just so you know, I’m going on this journey with you. I support you. I appreciate you. And mostly, I want to thank you for your courage.

    • iskdfine says:

      You’re welcome. I’m glad that I’m not walking this path alone. Though I wouldn’t wish it upon anyone, it’s nice to know that I’m not the only one who feels crazy some times. Then again, those of us who question our sanity tend to be the most grounded of the bunch, lol. Your support and appreciation means so much to me. It’s harder to succumb to the urges when you have people beside you. 🙂

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    • iskdfine says:

      Thank you! I love to have readers that I can talk with. When we all get together and are able to open up to each other in a safe environment, we’re all benefiting.

  3. life says:

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    • iskdfine says:

      There are always positives and negatives to every situation. This particular one is pretty evenly balanced, I think. I am on a journey to find peace within myself. Sometimes I feel like it’s a never ending struggle, other days I wonder if the journey itself isn’t my form of peace. Anyway, I contemplate a great many things within myself, and some days I just want the noise to stop, some days I want to let it sort itself out. The positive is that I’m still here to write about it all. 🙂 The negative is that I still have to write about it to figure it out… Two sides of the same coin, and all.

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