Today, I am happy…?

Posted: May 14, 2013 in A Step in the Journey
Tags: , , ,

Today, I am happy. Ok, actually… today I am tired.  I am not overtly sad today, but I have learned there is always a tinge of sadness to my day.  I am not “over” losing my baby, I don’t think I ever will be, but I am starting to smile again and realize that I cannot be Debbie Downer forever.  I feel guilty about this, though.


It has been less than a week and I am laughing, a REAL laugh.  What is wrong with me?  I just lost my child!  I think this is my major dysfunction right now.  I am striving to change my thought patterns so that I can be a truly happy, healthy, productive person.  Someone that people want to be around, not someone they feel that have to tip-toe around so as not to upset them.

I think I am slowly moving closer to that person.  This has been a journey I have been working on for some time, but I feel like right now I should be taking a break from trying to change and just let myself feel this.  As much as I try, I resist allowing myself to let that black hole open up again.  It almost killed me last time, I don’t think I could handle it again.

All in all, I am worried about not allowing myself to feel those dark emotions.  I worry that they will build inside and break me down.  At the same time, I am relieved that I am having a good day, even with random bouts of welling eyes, I will take what I can get. 🙂

Well faithful reader, that is all I have for now.  I’m off to do some “real” work.  Phsish, like sharing what you’re really feeling is real?!?  But, that’s another post for another day…


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