Today, I am happy…?

Posted: May 14, 2013 in A Step in the Journey
Tags: , , ,

Today, I am happy. Ok, actually… today I am tired.  I am not overtly sad today, but I have learned there is always a tinge of sadness to my day.  I am not “over” losing my baby, I don’t think I ever will be, but I am starting to smile again and realize that I cannot be Debbie Downer forever.  I feel guilty about this, though.

 

It has been less than a week and I am laughing, a REAL laugh.  What is wrong with me?  I just lost my child!  I think this is my major dysfunction right now.  I am striving to change my thought patterns so that I can be a truly happy, healthy, productive person.  Someone that people want to be around, not someone they feel that have to tip-toe around so as not to upset them.

I think I am slowly moving closer to that person.  This has been a journey I have been working on for some time, but I feel like right now I should be taking a break from trying to change and just let myself feel this.  As much as I try, I resist allowing myself to let that black hole open up again.  It almost killed me last time, I don’t think I could handle it again.

All in all, I am worried about not allowing myself to feel those dark emotions.  I worry that they will build inside and break me down.  At the same time, I am relieved that I am having a good day, even with random bouts of welling eyes, I will take what I can get. 🙂

Well faithful reader, that is all I have for now.  I’m off to do some “real” work.  Phsish, like sharing what you’re really feeling is real?!?  But, that’s another post for another day…

Advertisements

What do you think?

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s