Every new beginning comes from some other beginning’s end…

Posted: May 10, 2013 in A Step in the Journey
Tags: , ,

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I am sad to say that post is going to be a weary one.  Starting yesterday, Thursday morning, I had some spotting.  Later in the day, this turned into heavy bleeding with clots.  At my last doctor’s appointment  I was told that my lining was thin and was not only put on a high dose prenatal, but also a progesterone supplement to help raise my levels.  Unfortunately this was not enough and I miscarried.  I am still processing this information, and so Green Frog is going to be going through that process with me.

 

I was looking online today for answers and came across this…

Because progesterone plays a role in maintaining the uterine lining, some researchers have theorized that having low progesterone before a miscarriage might actually play a role in causing the miscarriage. But whether supplementing progesterone actually prevents miscarriage is a matter of debate. (Link courtesy of  About.com)

I wish I had been told this when I was at the doctor’s office.  I wish it had been stressed to me how important this information was.  But mainly, I wish I had done more research independently and taken my role as a mother-to-be more seriously.  My next step is to have my ANA and Sed rates tested.  It is obvious that I have an autoimmune disorder and I have it on good authority that the suspicion is lupus.  Knowing that is a very real possibility and that I may have lost the baby anyway should make me feel less responsible, but in fact, it makes me feel more responsible.  That means that it had nothing to do with the baby’s genetic makeup that caused a miscarriage.  That means that it is MY body that is incapable.

Walking into the mist without looking back is looking more and more comforting.  I will not lie and try to hide my hurt, I am lost.  Where do I go from here?  What options are left to me?  I am tired, and angry, and hurt, and tired.  Mainly tired.  I am tired of fighting a never ending battle with my own body.  My mind fights my heart, my white cells attack everything (both good and bad), and I am just tired.

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Comments
  1. miander42 says:

    Through all of the talking, and countless scenarios run, there is still no way of making all of this less painful and real. It hurts, it sucks, it feels all wrong, and I am so very sorry for your pregnancy loss. I understand feeling that your body betrayed you, because it did. However, that was beyond your control. The factors in your control were handled properly. You took charge of your healthy eating, rest, positive energy, and prenatal care. Not once did you neglect your responsibilities as a mother-to-be. Not. Once. You followed the doctors advice to the letter, took your prescribed medications, and therefore, took care of the both of you – to the best of your ability. I am proud of you. You are brave. You are strong. You are a survivor. You are loved. I hope comfort, understanding, and peace come swiftly. Let your Green Frog be your guide.

  2. iskdfine says:

    Thank you. The logical part of me knows I did everything I could, though there is another part of me screaming that it wasn’t enough and it never will be. This part of me is hiding in the darkest corners, throwing things, banging walls, and try to destroy everything else. I know I will recover, I know the world will not stop spinning, but this piece of me has already given up. I am struggling to not give into it forever.

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